


Was it Both Men in Wonder Steady Gone Under

by mytimehaspassed



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-10
Updated: 2010-06-10
Packaged: 2017-10-22 09:14:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/236464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mytimehaspassed/pseuds/mytimehaspassed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's gaunt face and Dean's weak hands, Sam knows it's not a disease, he knows that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Was it Both Men in Wonder Steady Gone Under

**WAS IT BOTH MEN IN WONDER STEADY GONE UNDER**  
SUPERNATURAL  
Gen  
 **WARNINGS** : spoilers for everything up to "Fresh Blood"

  
I.

Dean's gaunt face and Dean's weak hands, Sam knows it's not a disease, he knows that. This unspoken truth between them, he sees the way Dean's face starts to cave in, starts to bruise, the black smudges underneath his eyes, the blood that starts to collect on his forehead, his chin, the corner of his mouth. Sam knows it's not a disease, knows this in the back of his throat with the words he'll never be able to say, the words he'll never be able to think, even when the days grow shorter, the nights longer, holding his breath in the darkness just so he can listen to the soft in and out of Dean's lungs, just so he won't miss a beat of Dean's heart. Sam knows it's not a disease that will kill Dean, but he kind of wishes it were.

II.

Dean hunts and drives and fucks county pageant queens in the backseat of the Impala. He talks with his mouth, but he's not saying anything, and it's been since they opened the Gate that Sam's noticed, that Sam's really looked, really watched. It's been since Sam found out, since Dean told him about the deal, but Sam's been the only one who's angry here, the only one with angry words, and he's starting to think that Dean's doing this on purpose, fucking with him until the day he's gone, just like he's always wanted to, just like he's always said he'd do, just like those ghosts they hunt, those ghosts that have nothing better to do with their afterlife.

Just like their fucking father.

III.

Dean hunts and drives and fucks, but he's not careful. He comes back from bars with bruises and bloody teeth, smiling red at Sam, smiling blood, tells him not to pick fights with guys twice your size because it'll never end well, but he's so fucking happy about it, that adrenaline that never goes away, that adrenaline that takes three, four hours to wind down, his hands moving restlessly on his thighs, gripping blankets and sheets. His shaky breathing, in and out, moving his mouth in the dark, saying, "When I'm gone, you have to take care of the Impala. Keep her clean and running smooth and she won't get mad at you."

His teeth chattering, blinking one two three, he's saying, "When I'm gone, you have to take care of Dad's journal. Remember to take it everywhere with you."

His eyes staring right at Sam, saying, "When i'm gone."

IV.

Sam regrets every time he left. Now that he thinks about it, now that he has a chance to stop, watch the way Dean's hands circle the steering wheel, those torn and bloody knuckles, has a chance to really think, and he comes so close to saying it once. His tongue on his lips and his teeth open, his breath in and in and in, and it's almost there, it's almost out, this I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry biting so hard in his throat. But Dean turns and smiles and rolls his eyes, says, "Cut out that brooding act, Sammy. You're turning into such a fucking girl."

And Sam shuts his mouth again.

V.

For the first few months, Dean does everything he's ever wanted. Sam lets him, stays back in the motel to research, to find every library within driving distance and looks up old, musty books with demons and crossroads and deals, finds little, says nothing. The closer it gets, though, the more Sam starts to think that this will really happen. That his brother will really die. He starts branching out, starts buying plane tickets on the redeye just to visit universities for some kind of cure, starts calling every name he can find in their Dad's book, starts staying up all night long, this ink stained permanent on his fingers, but nothing is working, nothing is happening.

The closer it gets, though, the easier Dean sleeps at night.

VI.

The closer it gets, the more Dean starts saying, "I love you."


End file.
